Failure.

14/11/2017

I've spent most of my life, from primary school all throughout high school as a quiet, shy kid. I spent the majority of the time at school alone and never since I was 10+ had interactions with "friends" outside of school. I didn't have friends, I don't think I have since I moved from Melbourne as a small child. There were people i'd call my friends, but they weren't at all. Recess break, lunch - i'd spend this time following those groups to not look like a complete outcast, but I didn't really care about them. In my later high schol years (year 10+) this began taking a toll on me - I wanted to have people to care about and talk to, but I didn't know how to approach anyone. This was a big part of why I finally broke and gave up on school at the end of year 11. I'm yet to tell anyone this - nobody really knew why I gave up. I gave excuses, and while they were factors in my decision, they certainly were not major ones. I remember my last day at high school vividly and the moment I snapped. It wasn't premeditated - I had no plans to do it, but I was sent over the edge. People will assume bullying was a factor, it wasn't and hasn't been since I can remember. People generally liked me, I don't know why, I assume my reserved and quiet nature played a big part. Although people only really approached me when they needed help with something computer related, I was always the go-to guy in classes, maybe I avoided bullying because I was useful.

From year 6 onwards I was always a mid-high grade student. I never caused trouble, I never did anything wrong. My work was always good and on time. I was never really faulted. Funny side story, during 9th grade I had an asignment to hand in, I did a terrible job, and I knew it. I didn't want to hand that in. It was a Photoshop based project, I had opened the .psd file in notepad and deleted a section of the file, resaved it and approached the teacher about my suddenly corrupt work. They had me get the IT guys to try and solve it (they were never going to solve it) and I was eventually let off from handing in the project.

One of my final projects to complete year 12 was handed in a week or so ago, and it was bad. The project itself was around the creation of a C++ application for CS:GO data tracking - the application was fine, I had actually already created it myself as a hobby project. The failing work was the written side that the school actually cares about. It was rushed, done in a fraction of the time I should have spent on it and was of terrible quality. Today I was told this in a passive agressive way over email by my teacher, and it felt really good. I've handed in something that was bad and they made sure I knew it. I call this a success. They require me to work on it further and want to meet with me about it, too bad for them i'm not in town for a few more weeks.

I have lost my passion for programming - it's gone and has been for months. Who knows what the road ahead looks like. What do I enjoy now?

I don't care about school, I don't care about achieving my SACE. I'm not going to finish in 2017.